the FL story - the interim

the end of this story is coming, but this - this is the meat of the thing...and in hindsight, I always look at life (and myself) as before, and after FL. I learned so many life lessons because of FL.

If you need a recap, Click Here.

So there I was, at the darkest, most depressing point in my life. Sick son, abusive fiance, no friends or family to bail me out, and no job so I could support myself. My days ran, one into another, until nothing mattered, except escaping the pain. And I'd do whatever it took to escape the pain. I tried to workout, but with my son on life support, and his father having checked out - that wasn't possible. I even went home to my family, but after 5 days, I knew I was running from frying pan into fire, and that wasn't a solution.

And I ate. Boy did I eat. I watched a lot of daytime TV, and cooked my undeserving fiance a lot of gourmet meals, and fancy deserts - which he never touched, because he rarely came home. So I ate.

I ate for comfort, I ate for solace, I ate to give me some relief from the pain I was feeling. FL even fed me - I suspect to keep me from leaving him (in hindsight, I realize he always knew he didn't deserve me). I ate, and in a way, eating saved my life - because it was a distraction from how much I hated my life at the time. So I ate, and watched other people fight on Jerry Springer, and Oprah and Iyanla kick it, and Dr. Phil offer advice to people whose heads were REALLY f&*%ed up, and it made me feel like maybe my life wasn't SO bad.

I was walking my son back from the grocery store one day, and I was depressed because I didn't have enough cash to pay for his formula, and for a bag of diapers. FL, in his infinite lack of wisdom, had given me only enough for one or another, and spent the rest of his $$$ on weed (boy, did I pick a winner). And it weighed on me - like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. I walked, and pushed the stroller, and cried. Cried. Not like a baby, like a banshee - I wailed - for every stroke of my fiance's hand against my body, for every hurt he'd inflicted on me - I wailed like a crazy woman, at 1:45pm on a Tuesday afternoon, walking down the street - in broad daylight - pushing that stroller - I wailed - and asked God - WHY?!!!! WHY ME?!!!! WHY MY CHILD?!!!!

...and He answered me. As clearly as the characters typed on this page, He whispered in my ear (and his whisper was a roar). He answered: "I AM". And I've never felt that way before, or since. I felt...humbled...and comforted...and arrogant (who was I to question His infinite wisdom) ...and tiny/insignificant...and strong (like, as long as He is, then He always will be, and I could too get past this)...and fragile.

A few days later, I saw the sunrise for the first time in what felt like years. It was a lush peach/mango, against the indigo night sky, and it was ... beautiful...

It was beautiful despite my fiance's attempts to piss me off, so he could cheat on me that night. It was even beautiful despite his throwing a full bottle of Snapple at me through the passenger side window, breaking it and barely missing my head. And it was still beautiful after I'd given the police officer that showed up on the scene my statement, and they'd taken FL to jail, for the umpteenth time. And it was beautiful as I drove home. And I acknowledged that beauty, realizing that it had always been beautiful, hadn't stopped, wouldn't ever stop being beautiful...and that the world wouldn't stop turning because FL was..well, what he was.

Now, I'd love to say that was the end - him going to jail, me basking in the beauty of a mango-indigo sunrise, but that wouldn't be the truth. U don't need the gory details - suffice it to say that I needed to get my finances in order, as well as my head. God saying "I AM", and the indigo sunrise touched my head, and my heart. But I needed $$$.

Don't want to forget The Angels either. I've had some folks come into my life - truly for no other reason, than to teach me the meaning of grace. And 2 of them came into my life after I went back to work. One of them told me stories - of the hardships they had endured, were enduring, despite the fact that they led each day gracefully. This sista - who resembled a young Lena Horne - so elegant in her everyday personage, made me understand that surviving a hardship was about more than getting through it. It was about living thru it - continuing to strive and thrive, despite (or even because of) what hardships you faced. The other sista taught me the truest meaning of faith, and spirituality, that I've ever known. These were my Angels, and their lessons stay with me to this day, and I think of them often. I know God sent them both to me.

And FL? Well, we lived together for financial reasons long after my Tina Turner-threatening-to-take-his-life-if-he-touched-me-again incident. But, FL being FL, he wrecked three vehicles in a 90 day period - totalling two of them, and the third not being ours. And then asked that I file a false police report about the third, to keep him outta jail. I called the police as soon as I found out, and changed the locks on him not long afterward.

But wait - we have a son together. So that door is not quite closed yet. Check back, and I'll post the end - which is where FL is now.